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The New York Times Issue 4
The New York Times, Issue Four 9th of October ''MAFIA’S NUMBER ONE READ, ANYTHING ELSE IS JUST A POOR PUBLICTY STUNT '' 'THE FIRST DON' By Jake Roberts There were celebrations all around the underworld of Dallas last night as Puck was named the cities first ‘Don’ in living memory. We were privileged to be invited into a coffee shop which was set up for the Disco Casa Para Il Delictivo Loco Demente family and as such were around to see the great elation throughout their ranks. No one seemed happier than renowned Dallas Capo Witch, she was seen hugging into Puck straight after the event and proclaiming, ‘There is no one more deserving of the title than Puck,’ and she was he would go on to be in charge of the whole city one day. Her motivation for these comments could perhaps be questioned however as further into the festivities revellers alleged they heard her asking Puck about a promotion. Puck’s glamorous right hand woman was also celebrating last night as she was elevated from her position of secretarial duties and accepted into the true family life, a clearly ecstatic Aurora claimed, ‘This is the best day ever.’ Puck didn’t stop by with his celebrating family for to long however as he went straight back to his HQ where he made a statement to the awaiting masses of his family and friends where he outlined his plans for Disco Casa Para Il Delictivo Loco Demente, his plans for its members and his plans for the future of Dallas. More will follow as it happens. 'NEW YOUR, NEW YORK' By Cubert Farnsworth New York’s man of the moment Shoopy has also had reason to celebrate of late, not only has all his hard work been recognised by the powers that be and seen him rewarded with a new elevated status amongst our community but he is also seeing his vision of an ‘improved’ New York bar scene coming to fruition. Shoopy and his group who are known only as ‘Kaizen’ have implemented a levy on anyone wishing to set up shop in the New York area and although some people are calling this nothing more than a glorified protection racket our exclusive with Shoopy proves them wrong. ‘For to long people have neglected business in certain areas of this wonderful city, multinationals have put in large shopping and bar facilities only to leave them understaffed and unmaintained. All Kaizen and I want to do is stop this happening which will be a benefit both to the shop and bar owners and the good people of New York. When these businesses pay their ‘bond’ it proves their sincerity and commitment to the people of New York and in return I also offer these businesses my extensive family and friends guarantee that they will only shop and drink in my authorised facilities.’ We here at The New York Times would like to wish Shoopy all the best with this venture. 'THE LA RIOTS' By Dwayne Johnson Friday afternoon saw bloodshed all over the usually quiet streets of Los Angels. In the continued absence of Miss T1fa, head of the well established crime family ASDA there has been an escalation of violence within the cities confines. Visiting Las Vegas Made Man Randle McMurphy was visiting the city and alleges that he was challenged to attempt a kidnapping on Jimmy Hoffa, this ‘prank’ quickly turned to tragedy however when Mr Hoffa fired a retaliatory shot which unfortunately penetrated Randle’s aorta killing him almost instantly. The bloodshed did not stop there however as ASDA made man Don Bullet also attempted a kidnapping on Mr Hoffa just moments later, Mr Hoffa’s lightning quick reactions again saw him shoot his would be captor and he was able to fend him off with this shot. Not long after this Don Bullet’s body was found in a skip outside Making Waves, a well known LA bar. The LAPD are treating the death as suspicious and say they have received some information stating that fellow ASDA member Bertone may well have been responsible in an attempt to keep relations with fellow LA gangs civil. Anyone with any information on any of these deaths or the further spate of kidnappings and killings in the Los Angels should contact the LAPD. Rumours suggesting there is now a sponsored competition to kidnap Mr Hoffa are also unsubstantiated at this time. 'STATE OF EMERGANCY ' Last several days have been extremely chaotic for all citizens of America after State of Emergency was declared by our president Franklin D. Roosevelt. Even though no-one really knows what the true reason for this sudden state of emergency we at New York Times continue to bring you the latest news. Even as we sit at our homes and communicate through plastic cups connected by string. Recent events have been extremely sudden but it seems also more people have been looking up at the sky, too the high powers, the Gods. Such a man came forward to myself at my home, and told me he had actually spoken to one of the Gods. The man in question is the infamous Red Rabbit often known for his carefree life and on/off relationship with wife of Dallas most famous mafio Puck. As I sat with him I was completely sceptical, doodling images of various animals and clowns instead of actually paying attention to his story. It wasn't till Mr. Rabbit paused and glared at me for several seconds that I paid attention again. Mr .Rabbit continued to tell me that the Gods had instructed to him that he must spread the word that Biscuits are the lords flesh and the Pepsi is his blood. I must admit at this point in the discussion I was more than happy to pass Mr. Rabbit off as a nutjob but something kept me hooked. By the end of the conversation he could tell that I was hardly impressed and this next feat is the reason this article will ever make the paper. Mr. Rabbit told me he would do three God-Like acts to prove he was the hand of god and saviour of America. And so he did. He pulled out my wife’s jello from the fridge and separated it before my eyes, just like Moses did with the water to save the Jews. Next he fell backwards and stopped midair before hitting the floor instead he began to float upright again And finally but the most amazing feat of them all he patted the family dog on the head and it began to talk! I couldn't believe it as he walked out of the door, I stood there motionless for several minutes before getting to work on this article. Maybe Mr. Rabbit is our saviours after all? 'BACK ON THE STREETS' By Mario Fitzpatrick Whilst walking down the streets of New York heading towards my office in the New York Times office I met an old face among the crowd, it was a Mr Hammer some people may know him by his alias HwH if you have heard stories from your Grandfather or even your Father you will note that he was once the head of the notorious crime syndicate "The Damned". Rumour has it that the New York godfather allowed him to retain the rank of Capo so who knows perhaps some day we may see the return of The Damned. On a further note whilst I was heading to Dallas to see what was going on with the Puck’s most recent godfather meeting I noticed Mr Albert-Neri in the nearby alley of his HQ smoking a cigar which made me rember, "Didnt he run The Silent Partners with the help of Made Man Jimmeh? And The Apostles? it appears Mr Neri is fond of skipping one gang to another the same as gun fights.. One can only imagine how long it will be before he pays the local police chief to get rid of all his past crimes and return to the life fear free life of a citizen.. Could the re-appearance of these two high profile ex crime family boss' mean something big is about to happen?... Only time will tell. 'WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS' By John Doe I was sat in the office the other night, everyone had gone home except myself. Sat at my desk like I had been all day listening to the rain tap against the window and the gentle whistle of wind flowing through the cracks in the frame. For the life of me I couldn't think of anything worthy of putting into the New York times. Finally the writers block cleared and it came to me, why not write about possibly the biggest anti New York demonstrator of our generation? Not to mention the family line that followed that carried the same crusade on. An of course if you haven't already guessed the family and persons being mentioned it is of course the mafio known as KrazyTrain and the family line to follow him. It seems like decades ago now when the originally Anti New York Demonstrator fell to the hands of the conceptualists after a bitter feud between NMO and the conceptualists escalated. It wasn't long until KrazyTrain burst onto the streets threatening to bring down the Conceptualists as well as naming his first target. The Infamous New York Hit man 'Kush'. News of this soon reached New York and the reaction was volatile, KrazyTrain was quickly left dead outside a shop in Denver. This is where things seem to go downhill for this family line, the next several generations continued their protests with the on/off help of other former members of the NMO family. And this continued to end in nothing but blood shade throughout the years that followed. It began to seem that Krazytrain's family line had run off the track mentally and had really lost any kind of sense. Paranoia also seemed to grow in the family line, everyone associated with New Yorkers became spies or enemies and this paranoia continued to grow every generation that came about until it became no longer a protest against New York but a protest against the east itself, including old standing family Tanzini which at one point offered his family a fresh start. You may be thinking why bring up the past in this article? Well I'm getting to that now. It's been seen on the streets that even after the family line was suspected dead that there is infact another lost member of the Krazytrain family. An already has been making his protests against New York, he's been spotted several times speaking to high end mafio to get there backing aswell as rallying in the street to gain support. But as I see him holding up his 'I want/hate New york' cut-outs in the street, I can't help but think people have given up on this lost cause that should of been dropped decades ago. 'CARMELA BACK ON THE BOTTLE ' For all you history fans out there we are please to announce that the Mafia Gazette is set to return to ‘dictate’ your news to you all, trying to compete with the New York Times, The People Paper. Rumours have been rife that there will be extended coverage of the Chicago bar scene in the ‘new’ Gazette however these reports at the moment remain substantiated only by Ms DeAngelis’s presence around these bars late into the night. 'NEW FEATURE ' Unfortunately due to a family illness our very own Auntie Agnes has been sidelined for a few weeks so will be unable to continue with her agony aunt’s column. To replace this we will have our very own legal expert Axes answering all your legal queries so getting sending those in. 'RESPECTS TO; ' Randle_McMurphy Made Man 2006-10-08 14:06 – Crisis god dammit randle. i TOLD you not to kidnap people. they may be tards, but they'll get lucky eventually. RIP man. at least you got there. Don_Bullet Made Man 2006-10-07 19:35 – Elusive OMG DIE TWIST STAB KILL I HATE YOUR FACE MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF. DIE YOU INSOLENT LITTLE SHIT. 'A NOTE FROM THE EDITORS: ' The editors of this particular edit would like to thank you all for reading it. This is just a pilot to cover issues whilst the gazette is gone but if it gains support it can swiftly become part of your daily lives. . If you would like to submit anything for a future paper mail either Eragon or Gio-Pagliuca. We are also paying 100k per article published, so any free lance journalists out there please send your articles to Gio or Eragon.